Martha

OMG, the new Martha talk show is bat-shit insane, off-the-hook, roll-your-own-good-things AWESOME.

In the middle of learning an Italian card game from a family that she visited, Martha busts out with: "I know a lot of card games. I read Hoyle's card game book in prison."

A promo for today's segment on microwave cooking revealed "I learned how to use the microwave at Alderson."

She includes real photos from her prison stint in the opening credits.

And, perhaps best of all, after showing to the audience that she really is unfettered (perhaps the most sensational ankle reveal in the history of television), Martha announced that all of her staff and her producers -- including Apprentice/Survivor uber-creator Mark Burnett -- are now wearing ankle restraints!

Plus, no couch. When she has a guest on the show, the guest has to cook or do crafts with Martha. If Martha's going to sit through a plug, at least she'll get some good out of it. I think Marcia Cross cried a little bit when she realized she was going to have to cook scrambled eggs with Martha. Favorite bit from that segment:

Martha: What do you like to eat for breakfast?
Marcia Cross: Nothing.

Oooh, skinny bitches get real on Martha.

I CAN NOT WAIT FOR THE APPRENTICE.